Relationships That Build Self-Esteem
Each of us strives to be authentic in the way we conduct ourselves. At the same
time it is well worthwhile assessing the sort of impact we have on the people
with whom we come into contact.
This could be very useful when considering the impact we have on our child or
children. It is easy to see the physiological development of the child, but not so
easy to see the psychological and emotional development.
So it is important to appraise, from time to time, the impact we have on the child's development and perhaps to ask ourselves " does the way I interact have a positive or negative impact ? "
Here is an article that may assist you in self-assessment:
The Triple "A" Seal of Good Parenting by Dr. Marlin Howe published by Appleseeds.
Affirmation:
A parent's unconditional affirmation involves hundreds of little and big messages each day by the parents which say one thing --- That their children are very valuable…..On a daily basis parents should try to communicate to their children
that they are very worthy…… Affirmation communicates to the mind of the child that he or she is very valuable and important.
Affection:
A parent's unconditional affection does for a child's emotion what affirmation does for the child's mind ….. the child knows that he or she is greatly loved. Not
only does a child know he or she is loved, he or she feels loved. Children feel emotionally valuable through loving words, hand holding, squeezes, hugs and kisses and looks of endearment. Children usually enjoy receiving affection well
Into adulthood.
Appreciation:
Only when a parent affirms and affects their children may they conditionally appreciate him or her. Affirmation and affection says to the spirit, " I like who
you are." Appreciation says to the will, " I like what you do." Praise is one reward that can never be overdone …… Compliment your children. Tell them that they have done a good job, then build up their spirit by telling them how neat they are.
Children, however, do not always act praiseworthy. At times, parents will not appreciate what their children do. Discipline is in order. But discipline should attempt to change the will without damaging the spirit. Thus, the effective parent must continue to affirm and to give affection even as the child is being disciplined. To do otherwise will embitter the children...
Mary, a teenager in her matric year of school, was finding life at home unbearable. She often thought "if only she was working and earned enough
to have her own place or rent a room from someone, life would be so much happier". Though, she also found she was struggling with most relationships.
Her parents were very concerned and agreed that she seemed rebellious
and she would flare up with the least provocation.
When asked by a friend when they had last praised her or cuddled her it
appeared it had been a while. She confided in the same family friend that she
seemed under attack from her parents and she resisted this furiously.
The friend concluded that her desperately sought after self-esteem appeared
degraded by the parents.
"Comment on the behaviour and not the person".
"Love the person unconditionally while focusing on any unacceptable behaviour"
FROM THE PARENTING FORUM
Monica de Wet
Greg Braum
Carlos Xavier
Donald Pearton
Roy Lailvaux
Celebrating the Eucharist at Regina Mundi
For most of us so called "white" South Africans visiting Soweto is unknown territory and we do so with some degree of nervousness. In his closing remarks Archbishop Tlhagale said that" the wonderful celebration showed that this area was no longer considered a 'no-go' area".
What a massive turnout! The Church, which has mainly standing room, was packed beyond it's capacity and in it's surrounding grounds were thousands more who had to attend the Mass via a large TV screen.
Thirty Bishops and many clergy concelebrated the Mass with Cardinal Napier. The singing was magnificent and in true African style lifted the roof, all in wonderful harmony and without any musical instrument. It must have pleased God, our Father.
The liturgy reflected our rainbow nation with many languages used the procession which brought the Bible to the altar for the readings saw beautiful eastern costumes, music on a flute and drums, rose petals scattered on the carpet , truly focusing on the treasure of the Word.
The Cardinal and selected Bishops anointed 15 AIDS sufferers including several children and there were very few dry eyes in the Church. The Bishops then laid hands on 15 nominated AIDS care-givers and our very own Marian Jamieson of Mother of Peace was chosen as a representative. Each was also presented with a booklet on the "healing" readings in scripture.
The offertory procession saw many forms of dress, a diversity of food parcels and a highlight for us was seeing the St John's youth bringing up the bread and wine.
A keynote from the Cardinal's sermon was the analogy he used of struggling to use his cell phone until he carefully read the maker's booklet and now he is quite proficient even with SMSs. He said that in living we need to read our Maker's book and live by it's principles. He appealed for abstinence from the unmarried and fidelity from the married.
The Year of the Bible called for by the African Bishops together with the Year of the Eucharist celebrated by the whole Church not only informed us how to live but gave us the forgiveness, grace and strength to live Christian lives.
Reading the front page of the Sowetan this morning (Monday 31st January 2005) and listening to the 702 news broadcasts seemed as if we had listened to different sermons and it certainly indicates to me that we Christians have to be vigilant about just accepting the accuracy of what we read and hear.
The service reflected love and care for those infected and affected by HIV/AIDS as the Catholic Church celebrated it's acceleration of it's programmes in South Africa, Botswana and Swaziland. This was made possible by donations from the Pepfar initiative (the US President's Emergency Plan for Aids Fund) and a Netherlands Catholic Agency (Coraid).
The St John's Youth did us proud and were very evident in the celebration. They lead the Bishops into the Church, took up the offertory gifts, lead the Bishops to the conference room and to the lunch area. Our youth also reflected our rainbow nation by the demograghics of our group.
Well done to all of you.
Roy and Tish Lailvaux
FATHERHOOD
As parents, most of us can recall when we first heard the wonderful news that
we were going to have a baby and our lives were changed irrevocably.
Is the family not one of God's masterpieces. In an act of love between husband and wife
conception takes place AND God breathes a soul into that body and the life of that baby
begins. Not just another baby. A unique baby, with unique finger prints, with an unique
D N A, with it's own potential gifts and talents and life purpose.
We as parents have the privilege of naming this child, of nurturing it, protecting it,
supporting it's growth and development, knowing well that one day this person will be required
to exercise free will, choice and self determination.
We know as mother and father that the child's most important requirement of us is that we
love one another. We also know that we have distinctive but complementary roles in our family and
both are equally important in the life of the child.
However, today we celebrate father's day and so I wanted to share with you my own
experiences, thoughts and struggles in being a father.
Pope John XXiii said that "it is easier for a father to have a child than for a child to have a real
father". So what is this role of father-----breadwinner-----maintenance man------spectator at
shopping trips------payer of bills!!! Let us look at some other uses of the term "Father"
and extract what we can from those.
We know that Father Towell has the title Father. The Pope is titled the Holy Father.
Does the title Father then also include a spiritual Fatherhood. What does that mean
for you and for me.
Jesus taught us to pray the " Our Father". Our heavenly God is given a FATHER image.
Some religions believe God as a "Master and the followers as slaves". Jesus taught
us that we have a loving heavenly Father and we are his children. Is it not a scary
thought that God has the title Father as we do. Is it possible that the way I behave
may influence my child's image of God.
So how does my Heavenly Father respond to me when I talk to him. One thing I know
he does not say is "wait I am watching the Sharks playing rugby-and they are losing ---again".
No, He is always accessible and available and does respond but not always in the way I hope or
expect. I believe He responds in my eternal-best-interest. An accessible, available, loving,
gentle Father who responds in my eternal-best-interest.
Letitia and I have a large family and when our children were small in the early
sixties the times were such that we could control the external influences in our
home and have family ways of doing things. So there was a gatekeeping role.
However, this did not always prevent the influence of evil as sometimes that
comes from a relation or friend.
In today's society this is even more difficulty. Modern and powerful electronic
media reaches right into our living room. TV as an example, the internet, cell
phones and SMS's can have more influence on the values of a child than the parents
themselves The internet is a wonderful educational and communication facility but
it requires a new level of vigilance and coaching by Fathers. This applies even
more so to TV.
How does the formation of Christian values take place in a child. The SA government
has been calling for a moral re-generation program. But, where does moral generation
take place if not in the home. What is our role as Fathers in this. There is a quotation
"Fathers should be seen and not heard". What this means is that the Father is one of the
primary role models of the child. For me, that is a frightening thought. Actions do
speak louder than words but I always found it easier to shout instructions.
I must say that I find there are many wonderful examples from some modern Fathers.
There is a great deal of openness in talking to their children and discussing the
most difficult subjects. There is a loving closeness and caring. For me it is
inspiring to see Francis Deary bringing his young daughter to Mass.
There is danger though in our very materialistic society in how we as Fathers respond to the
I want/ I need syndrome. Instant gratification has great risk. Satisfying the child's every want
and instinct can set that person on a life which is a pleasure cruise, looking for more and more
self-gratification, instant gratification, stimulants, drugs..despair and emptiness.
The Father has a role as trainer and coach. How do we coach self control if not through early
lessons in self-denial. There can be no expression of love without an element of self-denial.
When you give way in the traffic you deny yourself. When you give way in an argument you deny
yourself. When we really listen to someone we have to block out ourselves. The capacity
of self-control may determine our child's ability to have a successful marriage, a successful
career and good relationships. Here we follow in the example of our Heavenly Father and act in the
eternal-best-interest of the child.
One of the most difficult things I had to do as a Father was to stop my Son from going on a
rugby tour in his matric year. He was an excellent player and we thoroughly enjoyed watching
him play. However, he had stepped over a boundary and something had to be done. So, despite
all the protests from members of the family and the school he did not go, and I almost hated
myself for this. He told me years later that this was one of the most profound lessons in
his life and I am deeply grateful for this.
Letitia and I recently updated our will in which we dispose of our earthly goods. Would
it not be wonderful if we could simply bequeath to our children - faith, hope, love and
a set of Christian values that would enable them to make the right choices in life so
that one day we could be together in the Kingdom of God.
Thinking along these lines I could pray to the Heavenly Father for this, but it comes to me that
he will say "Roy, my son, this was the purpose of your life. Did you not discover that
the true meaning of your life was in the way you loved and led those I entrusted to
you" "I forgive you your errors, try and do better"
I am a member of the Family Life Renewal Ministry in our parish and we as a ministry would
like to do something about supporting Parenting in the parish. We would like to disseminate
information, have the occasional get-together of parents, perhaps invite specialist speakers
on aspects of parenting. So we invite you, as you leave Mass this morning, to place your
name on one of the lists on the table outside the door and we will be in touch.
I do have hope, four of our children have gone before us and as angels and saints intercede for
our family. I also anchor my hope in this holy place. Shortly, two members of our congregation
will bring up the gifts to the altar. The bread and wine is the work of human hands and
symbolizes all our efforts, joys and sorrows, successes and failures. Our efforts as Fathers
are offered up on this altar.
Later as we receive the Body of Christ, God pours Grace into our spiritual self.
This Grace is the spiritual power and energy to enable us to do better.
This is my wish for every Father here today. May God renew us in this calling to
Fatherhood, through the Eucharist today may He bless us and empower us to fulfill
this vital vocation.
ABORTION
ABORTION is a widely discussed & argued topic. Society puts forward
some convincing arguments for abortion and we, as individuals, don’t
always know how to respond. Fortunately, in debates like this, we
take our lead from the Church that teaches God’s truth in an unequivocal
manner.
The key issue is, "when does life begin"? Most of us could never justify
murdering a baby outside of the womb, no matter what the circumstances.
Modern Genetic Science concluded, through its studies of cloning,
reproduction and test-tube programs, that life begins at conception.
As Catholics we remember the words of God about the origin of life:
"You formed my inmost being, you wove me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, so wonderfully you made me." (Psalm 139)
We remember John the Baptist who, inside Elizabeth’s womb, leapt for joy
when he heard Mary’s greeting. He recognised Christ and was filled with
the Holy Spirit, even in his mother’s womb. The Church teaches clearly
that from conception a life begins which is neither that of father or
mother, but a new human being with it’s own destiny. Someone once said,
"all that is needed for evil to prosper is for good people to do
nothing." Perhaps if we did act, South Africa wouldn’t be in the crisis it is:
For those of us who feel like this does not concern us, Pope John Paul II explains:
"We find ourselves not only faced with but necessarily in the midst of this conflict,
we are all involved and share in it WITH THE INESCAPABLE RESONSIBILITY
OF CHOOSING TO BE UNCONDITIONALLY PRO-LIFE."
We remember the words of Jesus who values each life and especially the innocent:
"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me
Truly, truly I say to you, as you did to the least of my brothers, you did
it to me."
Bronwyn Lailvaux
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